A lot of people may not know this, but I got a BOMB A** PERSONALITY !!! I’m fun, adventurous, and very out-going. Along with a lot of other things but just to name a few. It saddens me at times when my personality can’t shine through the diagnosis. As I said before, I am very vocal, open and honest about my mental health journey. This wasn’t taught to me when I was younger so it took a while to get there. But I’m hoping that me putting myself out there and sharing my story will help others to at least start the conversation....especially in black communities! We were always taught to not talk about our feelings outside the house. Remember our business is our business type thing. By a way of that, it just became a practice to suppress our feelings. As we all know, it’s never good to hold things in. All it will do is just keep piling up inside of us until ....the unexpected happens, the big explosion. Typically identified as: a mental breakdown! Different people have different actions to this but the most common seen is the acts out of anger. Hmmm, wonder why we always play the role of “the anger black male/female” ...oh, but y’all don’t want to have THAT conversation do y’all? Tough sh*t, here we go!
I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and clinical depression in December 2018. I was going through a lot at the time and of course I never voiced my thoughts to anyone so I just hid away in my room and cried my life away at times. No one even noticed that I was getting to my breaking point, it literally just happened out of nowhere. I remember this night like it was yesterday. I remember arguing with my child’s father about something oh so stupid, I couldn’t even tell you what it was. But I just remember feeling like I was so overwhelmed with life, and also felt very much lonely and that I didn’t have anybody in my corner. I felt like I was more a burden on my family than a helping hand. I also felt that maybe everybody’s life around me will just be so much better without me in it. So what’s the point right? So then the suicidal thoughts started rolling in. OMG, they were so intense and loud. I couldn’t even hear my own mouth trying to pray them out. Then suddenly, felt very numb to everything, I couldn’t even feel the tears from falling down my eyes. I started to hyperventilate and shaking soooooo bad, it was so scaring because I felt like I could control my own body. My vision even started to go blank, like I physically started to see my room turn black. Then I started to see flashes of my life and all it took was one image of my son and I immediately snapped and screamed out, “MOM CALL THE COPS, TELL THEM TO COME GET ME AND TAKE ME AWAY NOW !!!" She was so freaked out, she was trying to figure out what to do, she tried hugging me. Asking me what was wrong, telling me to stop crying and asking me to just talk but I couldn’t. At that point I fell to the floor and said,
“If you don’t call the cops, I’m gonna kill myself tonight.”
She called, they came and I know it was the toughest thing to watch them take her baby away but she knew that I knew I’ve had enough and I needed help. Thinking of my son in that moment gave me all the strength I needed to fight one more time and it saved my life. I was admitted into the mental hospital that night after evaluation and ended up staying a week within those walls. My experience in there was something totally different than what I ever expected but I needed it and I came out stronger than ever. I will speak in detail about my time there at a later date. #StayTuned
Going into the hospital I felted ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated because I let life pile up in me for months. Instead of taking control of it and getting the help I needed sooner, I felt like a failure. And to think, had I not screamed for help that night...it would’ve been my third suicide attempt. Yup, I said it ...my third. We’ll talk about the first two later on. But you see, that’s just it... I fought that night. I fought through the thoughts, the overwhelming feelings of mixed emotions piling up on me. I fought because I knew I could get better, I just simply needed help! So truthfully, I actually didn’t fail. I fought for my life! Which lead me to say this ...it is perfectly normal to not be okay. And guess what else, it’s also okay to ask for help....because that help could very much so save your life. Remember, everyone here has a purpose...it’s our job to figure out what that purpose is and make it top priority in your life. One of my purposes while I’m here on earth, is to be the best mother I can be. Which means I also have to be mentally at my best as well. Do not be afraid to ask for help, it could save your life!
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
(800)-273-8255
Help is just a call away!
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